Baby?

So, after a week of driving back and forth to another hospital which is about 45 minutes one way, suffice to say, by the end of that week, I was utterly exhausted.

Oh and to add to that, my weekend for the next few weeks are Friday and Saturday. Weird. I know. It feels weird working today. I went to work today, and it was like any other day of the week, everyone here works like that here. It's a different state and that's how it has been for a quite a long time.

But anyways, in my exhaustion a couple nights ago, I had a peculiar dream. A dream that I never had ever thought much of. I dreamt I had a baby.

In the dream, at times it felt like I was a third person watching myself dealing with a child. I was there in the hospital but for some reason, skipped the delivery part, and jumped to the point where the medical staff handed me my baby.

I just remember lying on that bed, looking at the baby, and was like.. "Woa... this is mine?"

And I also remember as I looked at the baby, I was in awe with the beauty of it, and he/she look so peaceful and serene.

And then fast forward to home, my baby was the most pleasant baby ever. He/she sleeps through the night and when he/she is awake is happy. No crying at all. I was wondering about all the horror stories that people keep saying about having babies, keeping them up all night crying, cleaning up after them, etc. And I have to say, from my third person view of myself, I was actually a pretty good mom.

The dream is a shocker for me because I never thought much of babies, let alone having one. I mean, yeah, if I get married, and I'm not barren, it would be cool but I don't long for it like some people do. I also don't ooh and aah when I'm around babies.

So, to say that I'm longing for a baby is definitely out of the question.. And after much thought, I came with the few possible conclusions as to why the dream occured:

1. I have been working in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), where we prepare special IV formulae for these little premie babies. And each time I'm there, I wonder about all of them, just like how I wonder about patients in other wards I've been in. And with them, I can't ask questions because they can't talk. So, I'm left to wonder about them without getting much answers.

2. I checked a dream interpretation website and found out that it could mean I'm coming up with a brand new idea or project. Well, as of this point, I have no new ideas or projects except trying to finish my report, preparing presentation, and squeezing time to practice my guitar.

3. Heavenly Father is making me see that having babies are not that scary after all and that I can actually be a good mom.

There.. the three possibilities that I can come up with.

The Itch

Ever felt like there's something more out there?

If you are going to say God, Greater Being, etc. That is a sure fact. But what I'm getting at is more so, is there's more to what you are in right now?

I love my job.

The moment I reached the hospital, and I walk to the office, I feel at home. Even when late in the evening, as I walk away from the wards, and towards my car, it feels good, no matter how exhausted I am. I just love it. I love to deal with patients, I love to be able to talk to them, listen about their lives a little, educate them about their diseases, their medications and even the stress of trying to remember all the many drugs there is in the hospital formulary. I like it maybe because it's like the mission. Serving and helping people as much as you can is all you think about.

And even personal problems disappear temporarily once I enter the hospital. It's like my escape from the need to deal with emotions. It's my own little haven. Maybe my next best thing to the escape you feel in the Temple.

But yet, somehow, there's just something missing. Like there's something else. Something more to what there is right now.. but what?

I feel like Peter Petrelli from Heroes (for those of you who follow the series). Hahaha.

Okay, I'm not expecting to find some other power other than my meager human capability, neither do I expect to have my genes mutated, rendering me to become a super human.. but I have this "itch". Like you have this strong itch but you can't find the exact spot to scratch it and it drives you nuts. And this itch of feeling there's more for me to do, or can do.. but what?

We go through the motions and do what we can in reaching to the end of the destination, and I'm doing my very very best in enjoying the journey, not just thinking about the destination.. but I feel like I'm missing something out, and I don't know what.

Maybe, I just need my guitar, and play so hard till my fingers feel like falling off and get knocked out, drunk with classical guitar music.

Or maybe I'm suffering from the remote-ness of Perlis, more than I actually thought I would.

Maybe I just need to go to Thailand. (Hehehe).

Gaah.. all the maybe's but not one is close to finding where is that "itch".

Maybe I should write a song.

Trust

Finally.. I have some time to think, on top of all the craziness of life at the moment.

There are so many of us who do things based on trust. Be it professionally or personal. You do or you don't. A lot use some common or sixth sense to help decide.

So many come into the hospital to get treatment, to see doctors, to get tested, etc. A lot of which are simpletons, ignorant of a lot of things, but putting full trust in those that are treating them and hoping they will get better.

But what if, these trusted people screw up? Switching lab results, wrong surgical procedure, neglect, medication errors.. thus physically harming them.

What happens to those poor simpletons' trust? Is there any redemption? A lot of times no. They don't have the funds to have fancy things, what more to hire a lawyer and sue. Neither do they know if there's any fault to be pointed at. And so, life goes on.

So what about personal trust around you? Is there any redemption?

Talking over confidently about things, leading people to believe in you and then turn around and do something else instead is trust ruining.

So why is there so many people who do that?

So many things are going on and I have no one to tell it to anymore, except my journal. I wish my journal could give feedback or response though. I'd really like to hear what he/she thinks.

Then again, maybe that's why quits was called. Tired of listening or giving feedback. Or too much pride or a lot of growing up needed, or I'm just too messed up.

I made a mistake, again... Will I ever learn?

I'm so exhausted.

October Madness!

Okay. A good friend reminded me that I have to update my blog. So much has happened that I don't know where to begin. I guess, maybe for starters, my job?

So, I finally got my hospital posting. Yeay!

The not so "yeay" part about it is that the letter came just a day before I was suppose to report for duty!! Sigh. Some things will never change..

So, with a quick phone call to say I will be reporting a few days late, I was rushing to get everything I could done before leaving my wonderful home in KL to a remote little state way up north, in Perlis.

Yes, Perlis.

I was shocked, but I guess, it's just how life would be for me. Always getting surprises. It reminded me of my mission call too.. then this whole rush to get myself ready to move, reminded me of transfers on my mission. The only difference was that on the mission field, all I needed to do was pack my clothes and things up and go. Along with a lot of tearful good byes, of course. And I have a companion waiting for me so I'm not all by myself. This time, I have to pack my clothes and things, and I also have to find my own place to stay!

Talk about the love the government has for us pharmacists.

So, off Yeanie and I went on our adventure to Perlis.

Everyone of my friends who heard where I was going had the same question, "You sure you don't want to appeal? You think you can survive it there? OMG!" to name a few.

Yes, it's a tiny place, with the biggest shopping place to go is "the Store", but hey.. I'm near to Langkawi and the Thai border. So there could be some adventures for me here no? And, I also found out that the cost of living is super low here. Seriously. Not much entertainment that, from where my room that i'm renting, in this little neighborhood of mine, is a neighbor who sings on her karaoke almost every night! And my land lady is filling her time with singing lessons for her karaoke performance someday. :)

The hospital is THE only hospital for this whole state, therefore it covers for Perlis and the northern part of Kedah. It does get quite busy.

My first week left me with extremely tired legs from standing so much. Then the schedule was made and right now.. I am in the clinical pharmacy department, my most favorite. It's a lot of work and I think one of the toughest attachment because it's all about your knowledge, but I like it because I get to learn more. And I get to interact more with the patients. My favorite part! The only sad thing is that I have homework to do every single night and I am still not that smart enough to have all the clinical knowledge at my fingertips. :( Why can't I be like a super sponge? Gaah.

So, that's my life in a nutshell at this point. I do have more stories to tell.. and you'd think with a place like this, which has very little distraction, I could do better at updating my blog. Sigh. Hehe.

I do miss the hustle and bustle of KL though, but here, it takes only 10 mins to get to work, and there's no traffic jams. :D

Now, that's the way.. aha aha.. i like it.. aha aha.. ;)

September Fun : New Baby & SkyTrex

Gah.. I slacked again. Today, I figured, I need to write something before September ends, and maybe do better from October onwards? Heh.

So, I'm still doing my temp job which turned out to challenge my organization and administration skills more than my medical knowledge, which is fine. But seeing how obsessed I can get at doing some of the tasks, I'm suffering from quite a back ache, more so shoulder aches from sitting in front of the computer from 10 to 7 everyday.

The office I work at is growing a little on me. Not because of how great the work is, but the everyday dramas that just makes it so annoying but funny sometimes.

By now, I figured instead of getting mad with the government for their slow-ness in getting me my posting, I would just enjoy the moment. Maybe I'm needed here for some reason I have no idea about. I just wish I knew what.

I got myself a beautiful new computer which is heavenly to work with. It's amazing how a few years make such a huge impact on the my poor little computer. Everything needs upgrading so frequently so as to not overload your system that it's scary! Pictures, file transfers are getting bigger, thus giving higher quality images and applications, but if your old notebook is like mine, then you will be waiting for quite a while before you can move on to doing other stuff.

Starting up took about 15 minutes, before I can even try and run any applications on my old one. And if I open more applications, the whole thing will just hang there for maybe 20 minutes, before I can do anything. I either wait or just try shutting it down and restart again, but because it takes about the same time to start up.. why bother? It is still good though and I have this thing about stuffs. I blame it on primary school system, where we were told to write essays about what would life be like if you were, say.. a pen, a bag, a shoe.. or whatever it is.

I think it's to teach us the value of things but really, for kids like me, I began to believe that every innate objects are very much alive like us!! I even thought they'd come alive when we are all asleep at night. Which of course led to years of fearing the dark because I don't want any of those things in the house coming up to try and strike a conversation with me!

Yes, I have quite an imagination.. and I still do now.

So anyways..yeay and blah for technology. :)

Oh, and I have to talk about my most recent exciting adventure last Saturday. There's this thing call Sky Trex in Shah Alam. I don't know if it started after my mission, because if it didn't I'm so mad that I didn't know about it earlier. It was so popular that you have to make booking a few weeks to a month in advance. Crazy! I figured, it's been too long since my crazy adventures in Outward Bound School that I must go.

The group was a fun albeit interesting bunch, but they were great sport in wanting to do this in the first place. By the end of the whole thing (which took almost 2 hours).. a lot of them said, "it was a good once in a life time experience" and I was like, come on! That was way fun and I am so going to come back!!

I met JQ there, who just got done with the more extreme trail and with his shirt all dirty from their adventure, I was like.. I want thaaat...

Here are some pictures:

The group i was with.. entering..

Us with our "v-strings"...

One of our many stunts that we had to do. Very very fun.

The Name Tag

I miss my mission.

I really do. I miss everything about it. I miss my companions, I miss tracting, I miss meeting people, I miss visiting members and investigators, I miss teaching lessons, and I miss wearing my name tag.

I just remembered I had to prepare a lesson this Sunday, in Relief Society and reading talks and everything just reminded me the feeling that I had being on a mission. The feel good feeling of reading something inspiring and uplifting to deal with challenges we faced.

I have just started working temporarily, to fill the time until I get news about my posting.. (yes, I am still waiting. And yes, it's the government handling it. And yes, I am wasting a way. ) The job is pretty routine but the events that happened had been interesting. I was sick for the past few days. With the H1N1 thing going rampant in Malaysia, we were advised to treat all flu symptoms like it was the real thing, so isolating yourself is one suggested. So, I did just that and it felt good just to be home and back to the routine of watching movies after movies. I know, I know, not productive.

I have made some wonderful friends there, that I hope, will last for life because of how awesome they are. Anyways, work has never been free from dramas. Work stress and dateline pressures are a norm. Which led to one resigning. I was bummed because I liked her a lot. But before she left, she came to me quietly and ask if she could come to church with me.

On my first day there, we went out for lunch together and we got to talk about the things we did in the past and so my mission came up. I told her what I did and she was curious. The golden question, "What is the difference with all these different churches out there?" I explained and we left it at that. I didn't think she'd think more about it until the day she resign. I was psyched, of course.

On my mission, meeting potentials are fun. I almost always start fantasizing on their progression, which leads to receiving the promised blessings the Lord promises all his children. So, when things turn out differently than I had planned, I was, often enough, crushed.

Today, I went through the same feelings I had felt months earlier. The crushed hopes and dreams for one of Heavenly Father's child. She found out that someone, whom she is not fond of is of the same church. His character in dealing with her was nothing of what the Lord would have us do to his fellow men. And I am ashamed of him for that. Elder Perry said, the members make the image of the church. One is enough to ruin the image and that one, did just that.

Yes, I am upset about this. Only because, I know he could have acted better. I know he could have dealt with the situation better, but he let pride got in the way and ruin it. Ruined it for her, that's for sure.. and I can do nothing about it! It's frustrating. Gaaah.

I miss my mission. I think the tag brings some wonders sometimes to members around us. Just because it not only reminds us missionaries, but also of members around us of who we all represent, when we are out there in the world.

Operation Belladonna

We all know what the effects of belladonna does. Medically used to to dilate your pupils so the ophthalmologist can look deep into your soul and see if you need to be cleanse. NO. To check if you have some internal damage in the eye. Actually the correct term is atropine, derived from the Belladonna plant. Calling it Belladonna gives a better feel to it, don't you think?

The past few weeks, I have been having some weird vision on my left eye. I was seeing things double, lights get diffracted. I don't see halos so that's good but it bugged me. I thought it was the contact lenses so I figured when the new month comes and I change it, it will be ok. But the problem persisted.

Mom, being the worrier that she was, insisted that I go have it check and so we did. For my own peace of mind and hers, since she's going to be going off soon. What will we do without her? Be adults, that's what.

So, got to the eye specialist and she checked everything she could externally and nope.. no problem. So next was to check inside my eye. Needless to say, I came out of there, fully satisfied, my one eye was seeing things in a weird way with pupils dilated to the max but I'm glad to announce that my eye is OK. All it needed was a newer prescription. Sheesh. I could have done that easy. But no, I think it was good to have the inside checked. Because now I know what they do.

I have to say though, the sight of my uneven pupils for the rest of the next few hours is pretty cool. I think it looked like it was out of some scary movie or something. My brother was grossed out by it. :)

I think it's awesome!

Here's a comparison. My normal happy right eye...



.. versus my forlorn looking left eye...


Did you know that a long time ago.. women do this to their eyes because it was considered beautiful to have dilated pupils? Well, beauty came with a price.. because prolong usage cause blindness. High price to pay for that. I'm just glad my eye is ok. *wink wink*